Tales From Seal Beach: Jolly and Roger
by Xazz
Summary: "I am not playing into whatever sort of weird domestic fetish I'm sure you have you creep. And no, I'm not wearing an apron or anything like that so get the image out of your head."-oneshot-


takes place between Control and Pampering

**NOTICE**: Because FF is going to/has done a purge of all MA-like fics I will no longer be posting any more MA chapters or stories here. To stay up to date on my fics please go to my AO3 under the same name as here or my writing blog shotgunsandstars on Tumblr. I will _still_ be posting chapters/stories here, however any future sex scenes (and there will be some) will be cut, and you can find them on the two above sites.

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Altair bit back a curse when a creeper exploded and took down half of his sand palace. Not sand stone, _sand,_ and the entire upper structure crumbled and he got to watch a few Minecraft days of work fall down and then went part of the ceiling too.

"Malik!" he yelled, turning on the couch to yell towards his room where Malik had vanished to to do… something. He probably didn't want to know but he was keeping his hands to himself so he wasn't too worried.

"Yeah?" Malik called.

"Did you set my Minecraft off Peaceful?" he demanded.

There was a long, guilty, silence. "No."

"I am griefing your shit on the server!" he yelled, pissed now and fucking _hated_ creepers.

"Don't do that," Malik's tone was normal and he looked up from his screen after putting his game _back_ on peaceful, and found him and his brother standing by the arm of the couch.

"Malik… what is that?"

"What's what?"

Altair gave him a sour look, "What is that on my brother's head?"

"It's a tricorn," Malik said, grinning widely.

"I have a hat," Desmond said, his hands grabbing either side of the tricorn cheerfully.

"Where did you get a tricorn and why is he wearing it?"

"Because, today's the pirate faire."

"Pirate faire?" he looked at his little brother. "We saw what happened when I took him to the fair last time," Altair scowled a little, not liking to remember Desmond up and getting lost.

"Yeah but that was a while ago, and you were there by yourself."

"Malik we-

"We go every year. So. You're coming," Altair gave him a dark look. "You can scowl at me all you want. You're still coming."

"You're a jerk. First put me on normal mode and now… a pirate faire? Really?"

"It's awesome, stop whining. Besides, I look good in a pirate coat."

Altair stared at him for several seconds and then said, "I'll go. But-

"But? What's with this 'but'?"

"Afterwards, you get to model it for me."

Malik grinned, "Okay," he said, and it practically turned into a leer. "I told the other's we'd meet them there at eleven."

"Where is it anyway?"

"Marina Green Park, down in Long Beach, it's like a twenty minute drive or so," he said. "Now c'mon, we need to find you something to wear."

"What?" he stared at Malik like he had three heads.

"You're supposed to dress up, it's fun, c'mon," and he grabbed Altair by the hand. Altair yelped as he was yanked to his feet and managed to close his laptop before it went sprawling and Malik dragged him to his room, Desmond following behind, still holding onto his little tricorn.

"I'm fairly sure I don't have any pirate stuff," Altair sighed as Malik shoved him onto the bed. Desmond crawled up next to him.

"I'll be the judge of that," Malik informed him and started going through his closet.

"So besides a pirate coat, what else are you wearing?"

"Black jeans, hat," Malik shrugged, "Nothing really fancy. But you should see these guys who go all out. It's _amazing_," and he made a hand motion to emphasize.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Altair said boredly and knocked Desmond's tricorn a bit back on his head. Desmond grinned at him, he was missing his canine tooth on the left side. "You make a better pirate then me buddy," he told his little brother.

"Arrhg!" Desmond cried and Altair chuckled, knocking the tricorn right off his head. "Hey," he whined and twisted around to get it.

"This," and Altair turned around in time to get pair of shorts to the face when Malik threw them at him.

Altair tugged the shorts off his face, "You're kidding," Altair said holding them up. They were awful cut off shorts he'd had since he was in middle school and somehow still fit.

"Nope."

"I only wear these when I clean-

Malik's head did move he was pretty sure only owls were capable of, and stared at him, head seeming to turn completely around on his neck. "Clean?"

"Do not look at me like that," Altair growled. "I am not playing into whatever sort of weird domestic fetish I'm sure you have you creep. And no, I'm not wearing an apron or anything like that so get the image out of your head."

Malik eyed him a moment, "Okay," he said though Altair didn't trust him one bit. "Still, they'll do."

"They're gross though."

"Yeah well you have like zero interesting clothes," Malik huffed and was going through some of the drawers below his hung clothes in the closet.

"Well excuse me," Altair grumbled.

"Just put the damn shorts on," Malik said and he could imagine the other boy rolling his eyes. Altair looked at his brother, who grinned broadly at him, his tricorn back in place, and muttering to himself he stood up and pulled off his jeans and put on the cut offs which were a bit lopsided and ended at his knees. Thankfully his legs were about as tan as the rest of him from spending so much time at the beach with his friends.

"And this," and he got a shirt to the face.

"Stop throwing things at me! My god," but Altair tore off his t-shirt and pulled on the other one, not even looking at what it was. Only as he was doing the buttons did he see it was his dark gray buttoned shirt, with sleeves. "Really? In this weather?" cause it was September and still blazing outside.

"You'll be fine," Malik hadn't even looked at him.

"Are you going to dress my brother up too or am I the only one who has to suffer this humiliation?" Altair droned and sat next to Desmond on the bed.

"He own anything with stripes?"

"A shirt."

"Then yes."

"Wonderful," he sighed. Finally Malik seemed to be done with whatever he was looking for and came back over to him and before Altair could complain wrapped a bandana he didn't even know he owned over his head. "Malik- what— stop that," he yelped when Malik grabbed one of his arms and rolled the sleeves up. "I am capable of doing it myself," Altair pouted pointedly at him once they were past his elbows and Malik did the same to the other sleeve. Then he undid the first two buttons and fluffed out the collar of his shirt. "You're enjoying this."

"Of course I'm enjoying this," Malik grinned at him broadly, still holding onto the lapels of his shirt and leaned down to kiss him firmly. Altair melted a bit under him.

"You're a jerk and I hate you," Altair grumbled when they parted.

"Sure you do," and Malik kissed his nose before letting go of him. "C'mon Des, lets go find that striped shirt," and he held out his hand for the boy who hopped down and took it eagerly. "Put on some shoes," Malik called as he left with Desmond for the four year old's room.

Altair pouted after them but dragged himself to his closet where he found socks and he put on a pair of his super worn chucks, the brown ones he wore when he didn't want to mess up the other ones. Once Malik had finished with Desmond Altair noticed a bag he hadn't before in his room that Malik had brought from his car. Desmond sat on Altair's lap while Malik dressed, as it wasn't like he was getting naked or anything and Desmond had already seen it from Altair, in a ridiculously flowy shirt, a pair of black jeans, a really cool coat with buckles and pockets, and a big hat with a feather.

"What d'you think?" Malik asked him.

"I think that your head is as big as that feather," Altair said boredly.

"Oh c'mon, stop being so moody just cause a creeper blew up your sand castle," he patted Altair's arm. Malik laughed when Altair's face didn't change. "Hey Desmond, wanna see a trick to make your brother smile?"

"Yeah!" he said enthusiastically.

Malik put a finger in the corner of Altair's lips and pushed upwards, Desmond laughed loudly and Malik smiled at him. Eventually Altair just smiled on his own because damnit he couldn't actually stay grumpy for very long. "There, all better," Malik said sweetly. "Now lets go, we're ganna be late," and he was dragging Altair up again and Altair barely had time to shift his grip on Desmond so he carried him instead of dropping him.

Once they'd gotten all their stuff together they got into Altair's Volvo, Malik buckling Desmond in for him so he could start the AC. "Isn't it hot in that thing?" he asked once Malik was in the passenger seat.

"I'll live," Malik said, still in a good mood and he gave Altair directions to Marina Green Park, which was near the ocean. That wasn't saying much though since everywhere in Orange County was 'near the ocean'. But they got there at eleven and there were already a lot of people.

"Wow," Altair said.

"Awesome huh?"

"I haven't seen this much ruffles since I went to a Ren faire in middle school," he said and Malik laughed.

"C'mon, the others are waiting," and he slid out of the front seat and made sure his ridiculous hat was still in place. Altair got Desmond out of the back and carried him so he could see better.

"Where are we meeting?"

"By the food court."

"Oh lovely, faire food," Altair made a face.

"Is great," Malik said and Altair followed him from the parking lot to the faire grounds and to the ring of concession stands out on the grass. There were a lot of normal people with just pirate hats or striped shirts, but there were also a lot of pirates. Like _a lot_ of pirates. Some pirates were better then others and some were just _ridiculously_ good like Pirates of the Caribbean level good, or even better! "Ahoy me hearties!" Malik called as they found their friends.

"You're here, finally," Mike griped.

"Sorry, Altair was being a little bitch and didn't want to come."

"You know if you keep up the obnoxious attitude _you'll_ be the one not coming," and everyone laughed at Malik's sudden, brilliant, flush. Pleased he'd firmly put Malik back in line (who else was going to but him after all?) he hiked Desmond a bit in his arms and said, "He sprung it on me literally last minute. So really, it's all his fault."

"It's always my fault isn't it?" Malik sighed.

"Yes actually, it is," and Malik made a face at him.

"Altair, Altair, Altair," Desmond tugged on the collar of his shirt. "I want a sword. I want a sword," and he pointed urgently to a stand selling plastic cutlasses.

"We will," he said, "but what's the plan?" he asked his friends.

"Eat as much as you can, try and sneak into the beer line, and ogle at the pirate wenches," Rich said, he was dressed in a ripped striped shirt, torn jeans, and a bandana.

"Ew pirate wenches," Malik said sarcastically.

"I'd like to put my face in-

"Yes thank you Rich that's quite enough," Sam slapped his hand over the black boy's mouth. Sam was in a bandana, a t-shirt with a jolly roger on it and khaki shorts. "Lets get some grub and there's some activities too."

"I want a sword," Desmond said pointedly.

"You'll get your sword, relax," Altair said and with a slight groan shifted his grip on his brother and put him over his head and on his shoulders to give his arms a break.

They ate greasy food and drank expensive cans of soda and Altair bought Desmond a stick of cotton candy and in general were obnoxious teenage boys with too much time on their hands during a September weekend. There were some games and Altair repeatedly beat the milk bottle game and won Desmond like… five stuffed animals that were going to go in his pile he kept in his room at the foot of his bed on the floor. Desmond was handed off at semi regular intervals as after the first hour or so he became tired and for the most part hung out on Altair and his friend's shoulders with probably the best view in the house. Altair even eventually bought Desmond his dumb plastic cutlass which he waved around merrily.

It was getting later in the day and they were sitting and watching the pirates and eating shave ice to help beat the heat when he heard an "Altair?" called from behind him.

Confused, as he didn't recognize the voice, he turned around. It was a pirate, well, two pirates, a man and a woman. The man had called him and it took a few seconds for the recognition to hit, "Connor?" he asked.

"See, I told you it was him," said the girl, a year or two younger then Connor and darker skinned and wearing more lace and pearls and gold then anyone in the entire faire. Her skirt was short to her knees and her bodice black and red and lacy and frilly and she wore black fishnet stockings and knee high wedge boots. A respectably pirate-like coat hung over her shoulders, though her arms weren't through the sleeves and she had a large hat with several big feathers it, a purse shaped like a skull hung over her shoulder.

"You have better eyes then me," Connor said. He was in a tricorn, his hair pulled back messily and wearing a dull sailor's coat over sturdy clothes like something he'd see out of Master and Commander, all buckles and belts and looked like he was dying in the heat.

"Shit what are you doing here?" and he scrambled to his feet as the two came up to him and his friends.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked the other boy and motioned to his attire.

"Hey, Al, who's this?" Cole asked, slightly impatient.

"Oh yeah, sorry. Guys, this is Connor Kenway, he's in my Tae Kwon Do class, third degree black belt, bit of a resident badass," and Connor laughed. "I dunno who this is though," he nodded at the girl.

"I'm Aveline de Grandpré-Kenway, at your service," and she curtsied, it was cool.

"At our service you say?" Rich said and then yelped when Mike elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"Not you," she added sweetly and Rich pouted as he rubbed his sore chest.

"Connor, Aveline, these are my friends, Sam, Mike, Rich, Cole, and my boyfriend, Malik," and Malik leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"And me!" Desmond bounced up in front of Connor and Aveline. "I'm Desmond and you have a really cool costume."

"Thanks little man," Connor said, "Nice hat," and he gave it a bit of a flick, Desmond grinned at the siblings.

"No but really, what he said, you guys look great," Mike said.

"Pirates are sort of— in the family," Aveline grinned at Connor who's smile was brief. "You enjoying the faire?"

"Yeah, though I'm thinking of leaving soon," Altair said.

"What?"

"No."

"Oh c'mon Al, don't be a kill joy."

"As much as I'd love to I'm sure you'd all be saying otherwise once Desmond starts throwing a hissy fit."

"I don't wanna goooo," Desmond whined, standing in front of his brother and grabbing his hand, rocking back and forth.

"Yessss," Altair said, pumping his brother's arm up and down. "Maybe we'll come back tomorrow," he added.

"Tomorrow!" Desmond jumped with delight, bouncing up and down, up and down, up and down, the others (including Altair) laughed.

"Yeah, sure, why not," he shrugged and Desmond seemed okay with leaving now. "Nice seeing you," he told Connor, "and really who knew a guy like you had such a hot sister."

"Hey now," Connor growled, Aveline just giggled delightedly.

"Hear that Rich? So hands to yourself," he told the black boy.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say mom," he grumbled and everyone laughed again.

"Do you wanna come?" he asked Malik.

"Mmm. Do I get dinner?"

"You've eaten your weight in faire food, how are you actually hungry?" Altair huffed.

"I'm a growing boy."

"That's for sure," Cole said and poked Malik's stomach which was rounded with food, under a nice helping of muscle. Malik batted Cole's hand away.

"So yes or no?" Altair asked him.

"Yeah, my laptop and car are there," he said. "We doing this tomorrow?"

"Hell yeah," Mike said enthusiastically.

"Same time?"

"Why not later?" Altair asked. "We were here for the day, what about when it gets later. I bet they're just going to let the same pirate acts run through both days."

"Mmm, yeah okay," Mike nodded, the others nodded agreeably.

"I'll try and get Dean and Cas to come too," Sam said.

"If you can pry them off Dean's bed you mean?" Rich asked.

"Shut up Rich!" Sam yelled and was red faced. Everyone laughed at his expense.

"Altair," Aveline drew his eyes to her and she her phone out, it had some sort of cute animal phone charm attached to it. "Give me your number."

"Hey," both Connor and Malik said at the same time.

Altair rolled his eyes as Aveline giggled, "I'm harmless, promise," she told Malik.

"You're dressed like a pirate, I don't trust you as far as I could throw you."

"Yeah well you're dressed like a pirate too," she reminded him, she'd just totally ignored her brother. Altair rattled off his number as Desmond hung onto his hands, leaning back to Altair was basically holding him up. "Great," she said cheerfully, "We'll see you tomorrow then," and she snapped her phone closed and put it back into her purse.

"See you guys," Altair said and he and Malik left, Desmond skipping along next to him, Malik got to carry all the stuffed animals.

—

Altair checked the mail when they got home. "Bill," he said as he flicked through them walking into the house. "Bill, bill, free offer, menu, bill… oh hello," and he stopped at one as he sat down next to Malik on the couch. Desmond was in his room playing with his new stuffed animals and plastic sword, yelling 'arg!' and 'avast!' every few moments.

"What's it?" Malik asked, cave crawling for (probably) iron and trying not to get killed by skellies or zombies.

"Ever hear of… Abstergo Industries?"

"Hmm, I think they make baby formula. Or… something," Malik shrugged.

Altair tore open the envelope. Inside was a very official cover letter. 'Dear Mr. Miles,

It's come to our attention that your son is an exceptionally gifted individual and we at Abstergo Industries would like to extend a-

"Well the baby formula people also apparently give out scholarships," Altair said.

"They do? Can I apply to them and have them help me with getting into college?" and Malik pushed his head around to read over his shoulder.

"I think you're too old for their scholarships. It's just for kids."

"Exceptionally gifted?" Malik asked.

"Hey, fuck you, my brother's very gifted."

"Suuuure he is," Malik drawled.

"He can do a jigsaw puzzle faster then you," Altair said blandly, skimming the letter and the other piece of paper that had come with it explaining about their school for gifted children. "I should start teaching him how to do Sudoku," he added as an after thought since Desmond had started going through a puzzle in about three hours, even the big ones. His brother _was_ gifted, but he wasn't quite sure how. He was good with the tactile stuff but, like Altair, had trouble with English. Distractedly he thought he should teach Desmond Spanish or Arabic, maybe he'd get it better.

Altair looked up at the sound of his brother's running feet towards them, "You land lubbers, get off my ship!" he yelled, waving his plastic sword at them when he stood close to Altair's side of the couch.

"Desmond," Altair said, snorting with contained laughter, "Where did your pants go?"

"Pirates don't need pants!" Desmond explained and threw both his arms up. On the couch he and Malik were just laughing.

"Yeah well pirates might not need pants, but little boys do."

"I'm not little, I'm a big boy," Desmond reminded him pointedly.

"You're still a squirt," Altair said sliding off the couch and, hunched over, stalked towards him.

"Back," and Desmond waved his plastic sword at him.

"Nope," and Altair reached out to grab him. Desmond gave a little scream and jumped back, giggling. "I'm ganna get'cha and make you wear pants," he threatened, grinning and Desmond ran away around the couch.

"Malik. Malik, save me," Desmond tugged on Malik's sleeve.

"I'm not part of this," Malik said and pulled his feet up onto the couch. "I'm on my own ship," and Altair was coming around the couch, still on bent knees, looking both menacing and playful at the same time. Desmond poked him in the arm with his toy sword.

"Oh no," Altair said, "Now you're just made the sea monster brother angry," but he said it with mirth and a smile and lunged at Desmond who screamed again and laughing ran down the hall to his bedroom. "You're ganna put pants on squirt," Altair laughed and raced after him and actually collided with the closed door and fell on his ass. From the couch he heard Malik howl with laughter.

-fin-

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Wow Desmond is so cute I could just vomit rainbows

also dun wanna hear anything about me girlifying Aveline. She's a badass in game who wears both dresses and pants. I can make her a lolita if I fucking want (=ω=)ノ


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